WE ARE TRYING

Recently we've been talking a lot about fellowshipping members of our ward. It's a hard thing to do. But this topic keeps coming up and it's on my mind. I am so bad about fellowshipping others. I have a hard enough time making friends because I'm a little bit shy and introducing myself to people puts me out of my comfort zone. Fellowshipping seems like I'm being forced to make friends with people, which, for the above mentioned reasons, is even more difficult because there's a "supposed to" attached to it.

But, sadly for my comfort zone, it is so important. It is probably one of the top 2 things you can do. The Bible backs me up on this, love God and then love your neighbor, right? And if there is one thing I've learned from being married to my husband (recipient of the worlds most diligent home teacher award) it is that the supposed to dos are 9 times out of 10 way more important than the supposed to know/believe/think/feels. You can believe all you want that being a good person is important and that Christ wanted you to follow his example, but if you don't do it then how much value do you place on it? Me, I'm talking about me, not you. I don't know you or what you're doing. But I know that I am not the best. Husband is way better about this. I can tell that it frustrates him that the supposed to dos are so easy and so many people don't do them. He says it's because people are inherently lazy. So what I said up there about being "shy and out of my comfort zone" really just means I'm lazy or looking for excuses.

All of this was ruminating as Vera and I walked to collect some tamales from a friend. I was thinking about when I joined the Church and how I feel about it now and how things have changed and I realized that there appears to be "stages" of membership. Maybe not everyone goes through all of these, but I think most people touch on a few throughout their lives. I think this pertains particularly to converts (as that is my only firsthand experience) but there are born-in members who have experienced some of these.

Stages of Membership

Ignorance -Those who have joined the Church have all lived through a time when they knew nothing or next to nothing about the Church. They may have heard a few things here and there, or their pastor told them we were evil and to stay away (sad!), but they really knew very little.

Interest -In this stage you may have met one or two members or had the missionaries in to talk to you. You've seen that people are not evil (duh!) and the more you learn about the Church the more you want to learn, and you really just can't stop being intrigued by them Mormons!

Zeal -In this stage you have a testimony of something, be it the Book of Mormon, Eternal Families, the Restoration, Prophets, Revelation, what have you. You have a testimony and you are pumped! You want to be baptized! Church every Sunday! Tithing! Prayer! Scripture! You just can't get enough! Church all the TIMES!

Honeymoon Period -Congrats, you've been baptized! Yay! Church is fun, you're learning new things, you have a calling, you're making friends. You love dressing modestly and following the Word of Wisdom. You want to take a trip to all the Church History sites! You are just so happy you could tell everyone about it. You promised you'd never speak in Church but you're bearing your testimony.You're asking yourself in a slightly manic way, "WHY ISN'T EVERYONE MORMON?!"

Shoulder to the Wheel -And then, you're a normal member. People aren't stopping by your house every other day just to check on you. People aren't going out of their way to make sure you're coming to church. People say hi to you but resume their normal homeostasis. Congrats, you are now a normal member. Everyone expects you to act like a normal member. You have a calling? Great. Magnify it. You have a Visiting Teaching route? Great. Visit those sisters. The "Yay you're a member" shine of the ward has officially worn off and you are accepted as another member who has work to do. At first it doesn't bother you, but you start to wonder why things feel differently.

Hypocrite Period -I could also call this stage "Righteous Anger". In this stage you may be thinking, "Why haven't I been Home Taught in a few months?" or "Why did I see so and so doing something we both know they aren't 'supposed' to do?" or "So and so was gossiping; that wasn't very Christlike." or "Brother and Sister What's their Bucket are getting divorced; don't they believe in eternal marriage?" or other such questions. You have finally realized that the members of the Church are, *gasp* people. Real, honestly not perfect not happy all the time, people. They have issues and shortcomings and they can be rude, or dishonest, or back biting, or vulgar, or immodest or excluding. You might feel anger. These people have had the Church and they know what I know and they say they love Christ but look at what they are doing? They are supposed to be visiting teaching me! They are supposed to be reaching out to new or less active members! They are supposed to be living the gospel day in and day out, but look at them! You start to see people as hypocrites and you are angry that they have all of this and can still do silly things. This is the hardest stage to endure, I think.

Apathy -Everyone else sucks, so why does it matter if I do too? I don't have to go to all 3 meetings of Church. They really don't care if I visit teach them anyway. They were never my friend, they only visited me out of duty * They aren't modest, so clearly it doesn't matter. I still believe in God, drinking coffee/swearing at someone/being unkind isn't going to change that. These are thoughts that you might have while you are in this stage. Or, hopefully, you've never been in this stage. This one, especially for me, was the hardest to get out of and lasted the longest. Why is swearing so addicting?

Renewed Vigor -One day something clicks. You miss the good pure happy feeling you had when you joined the Church. Someone says something in Conference that just really strikes you. You meet a wonderful new friend who is so pumped about the Gospel that it is contagious. You start trying to really pray and really study your scriptures. You vow to be better! No more swearing! No more skipped Sunday meetings! I vow to enjoy Relief Society! I want to be like Jesus! You see that people have their shortcomings but that there really does exist "cool" and super invested members. Thank you Mormon.org! You can be a cool and righteous person too! You realize that being a member does not mean losing your personality. Maybe you move away from a BYU ward and see that there is a world full of honest to goodness real people who are members too! Your desire to live the Gospel is maybe stronger now than it was in the beginning.

Acceptance -In this stage you come to a remarkable conclusion: People are crazy. Mormon or not. Everyone has their issues. That's fine. I am still trying to do my best. Let them be crazy. That doesn't affect me. You hear and start to believe the phrase, "The Church isn't perfect. The gospel is about Christ, not the members."

Understanding -You live your life as a normal member. You know what you're supposed to do and you start to learn more about the day in and day out of  it all. Your understanding of the gospel increases and you love it. You see what is important -maybe you aren't fully there yet being a perfect Christ-like person. But you see what that means. Your understanding of the world and the Plan of Salvation increases, and though people are still crazy, you're ok with that. You know. You get it. You are trying.

Individualism -I'm not here yet, so this is speculation. I couldn't think of a concise word that meant being able to stand alone and stand up for the gospel even if you're alone. I think this stage is for those who really really get it. They love Christ so much that it shows in their face all the time. They don't have to talk about church all the time, because they are living what they believe and you can just feel it. These are the people that we aspire to be like. They give you that squirmy feeling of "I want to be like that." They get the gospel and more likely than not are not your average "cookie cutter" member. But they don't have to be. They get it. They serve you because they want to, because they enjoy it, because it is part of their daily life. You know that dumb phrase that goes something along the lines of when you get up Satan says, "Oh crap! she's awake" or some other such "inspirational" nonsense? Well these people are like that but without the tacky catchphrases.

Christ-like -The end goal. When you are perfectly Christ-like (ok, so maybe none of us will reach this in our lives) you do what you're supposed to do because that is who you are. You are always in the service of your God. You know Christ because you emulate him. You are in love with life and with people and you just exude goodness. You are the perfect disciple and your will is in line with Christ and the Gospel is not an aspect of your life, but your whole life. You are not boring and sit around and play the harp all day. You are real, and you are working hard. You are what you are "supposed" to be doing.

The only way we're going to stay members and live happily in the Church is if we keep trying. Because the Church is so inviting. It is so easy to join and feel the love and happiness and peace. But continuing to try to be better is hard.

I think, however, that we as members can work on keeping people better. Maybe their ought to be stronger institutions for keeping people. I mean, some new members really don't know much about the Church or the Gospel, and we can't send them back to primary. And it would be great if their Honeymoon period never ended but just got stronger!

 Also many people joined from different churches and when you spout your Mormon culture vernacular, they don't understand you. They don't use words like, "authority" and "primary" and "prophet" and "atonement" and "priesthood" and "bishop" and "mission" and "stake" and "Zion". We use these words casually because we are used to them, but others aren't! I love the Book of Mormon and it is great scripture, but not everyone has grown up hearing the Book of Mormon stories. They are going to understand an allusion to Isaac well before they understand an allusion to King Mosiah. Maybe we need to make sure we're talking about the Basics, relating all lessons to the Book of Mormon AND the Bible. Maybe our Sunday school classes should inevitably come back to "What does this have to do with trying to live my life like Christ?"


But here is the end of my very long string of thoughts. We are trying. We are always trying. We are not perfect and we absolutely make mistakes and we do stupid things and we don't do what we are supposed to do all the time, but we are trying. We are trying to be like Jesus. New member, old member, convert, what have you. Everyone is trying. Their trying might look different from yours. But we're still trying. So, if your visiting teacher hasn't been to see you in months, or you feel like the Bishop is blowing you off, or that young woman is extremely immodest, or people are condescending, remember that we are all trying. All the freaking time. And it is not easy to live like Christ. Obviously. But we are trying, so don't let the people get you down.

 But at the same time, we could work harder to keep people and make sure they know we want them here, right? Fellowshipping. That is something I need to try harder to do.


*isn't doing something out of duty still better than not doing it at all?