Things I've learned from being Pregnant

I guess I don't talk much about being pregnant over here. I don't really talk about it much to begin with. I have entered a new phase of pregnancy though. The occasions are getting few and farther between when people don't immediately realize I'm pregnant. I have to say, I miss it a bit. I felt so flattered by the surprise exclamation of, "You're pregnant? I didn't even realize!" "Why thank you, I'm 7 months along." etc. Any little confidence boost helps when it gets harder to reach your toes, and turn to look behind your shoulder when changing lanes, and when clothes just don't really look right on you.

These days though people usually can tell I'm pregnant. And since I substitute teach mostly Spanish-speakers, "embarasada" is yelled -literally yelled- at me quite frequently. Maybe this is something that doesn't translate to an English speaking norm, but I would feel taken aback if a stranger yelled, "PREGNANT!" at me. And the only people who have touched my belly were 3rd graders, and a lady the height of a third grader. Her head didn't come above my belly.

But anyway, I'm 34 weeks along now, so I thought I'd share some things I've learned these past 8.5 months. Sorry, no photos of the belly, I haven't got any recent ones.

1. I am now an expert at peeing in a cup. I never realized how tricky this one can be until I peed all over my hand. Lovely.

2. I am hot. All. the. time. Granted I live in a warmer place, but when people come over they say our house is freezing (it was set at 60-63 all winter. we were scrooging over here and saving a lot of money.) and it was never really that cold to me. No extra coal, Cratchet!

3. I never realized how gloriously comfortable it was to sleep on my back until my doctor suggested I don't. Why say that? The forbidden back-sleep fruit is now so satisfying.

4. Speaking of fruit, I could eat fruit all day long. Just ate an orange? Well, maybe I should have this mango too, and a banana -with peanut butter, oh we have a few more blackberries, well I don't want them to go bad. 15 minutes later. I should have another orange. Every day. One day I ate 3 mangoes. Not that it's a lot of fruit, but I've never eaten that many mangoes in one day. Nor have I ever spent as much money on fruit before.

5. My belly button refuses to pop. I guess most people don't like their belly button popping out, but I've been waiting for this for years. I'm serious. Belly buttons are weird to me, and I feel like they are never really clean. And I have vivid memories of fantasies of being able to pop out my belly button and clean it. This was the pivotal expectation of a big belly, but alas, my belly button remains normal.

6. Everything can kill your baby. Or someone has written some study somewhere about anything you could possibly imagine that could kill your baby. I refuse to read those things. You don't know me! Yes I know, doctors cannot recommend any activity/food unless it has been irrefutably proven to have no effect on your baby. So, that does not mean that honey, or peanut butter, or nail polish, or raw oysters (I know, I was really not supposed to do that one, but we're ok!), or sushi :), or stretching, or dusting, or showers/baths, or swimming, or anything else that you are not doing/eating like a crazy person, will kill your baby! Seriously. If you were taking baths in peanut butter while drinking a bottle of wine and putting nicotine patches on your belly, then yeah, you might be injuring your fetus.

7. Being pregnant does not look sexy. I'll amend this, being pregnant does not look sexy, from the ribs down. I was going to say "from the waist down" but we don't have waists anymore, so ribs it is. I fell prey to the cute fit pregnant lady with cute clothes delusion as well. It does not look sexy, unless your partner likes the whole pot belly thing. But you can be sexy. And I think that is mostly about attitude anyway. Though, I have been honked at twice while driving -in conjunction with waving and whistling so I know it was favorable. I smile and think, "How quickly would your face drop if I stood up and you saw this belly." And then I laugh.

8. Peeing becomes contagious. Walking past a bathroom will make you have to pee. Someone saying they have to pee will make you have to pee. Hearing the word bathroom will make you have to pee. You will dream about peeing and wake up in a panic and waddle-run to the bathroom as quickly as possible.

9. It becomes hard to tell the difference between hunger and nausea. Sometimes my stomach hurts and I do not know if it is out of hunger, or nausea, or heart burn, or thirst, or just being pregnant. I have to go through a check list in my head, "Am I hungry? Or do I just feel sick? Will eating help? Yes, it sounds good, but will it really help? Am I thirsty?" etc.

10. Strangers are nosy. Being pregnant, I assume, feels a bit like being only slightly famous. People want to talk to you but they don't really have anything to say. So they ask when you're due, if it's a boy or girl, what names you like. I think the name question is rude. But this might be because I am picky and sensitive about names and I think people are mean to their children when they name them. And I don't want to subject myself to strangers' opinions of the names I like, because I probably think your opinion is lame since you named your daughter Alyvya Bela to be weird and different and because you love Twilight, and love making it hard for everyone to spell your daughter's name for the rest of her life.

But I feel really lucky. Being pregnant has not been hard for me at all. I've only gained about 12 pounds so far, I'm really healthy, never threw up, and I can still do just about everything I could before I was pregnant. So I've learned that I am really lucky, and this has been really easy so far.

And to close, the craziest (real) names I've encountered while subbing this year. And watch yourself, only about 20% of these names are ethnic.

Marquis     Shantanice    Tsunami    Heaven     Howanza     Jamacea    Asjia   Cyrah     Tashreef
Kee Chelle    Julaika     Maitland     Maeven    Sneha    Ja'darious    Shyra    Lenasha     Ty'ler  
J'marion    Daishy    Ladajea    Theodrix     Fizza    Dragan   Zeal     Kelvin(we were in a Chemistry class, and I couldn't contain the nerdy jokes I wanted to make) Trevyn    Mervin    Antonina   Neiman Marcus  
Chisara    J'son    Saiydece    Jajuan   Sterling    Stallone    Le-vy   Mar'Kaylon    Bion    Cross
Cougar    Kaisha    Sevon    Aaliyah    Auston    Osbaldo   Deundray    Devontre   Nereida    Roel
Tre'shaun    Fredren    Anjel    La'tya    Azia    Arisbeth    Odalys (Oh-Dallas)    Nwanne  
Isis (rhymes with feces)    Liseth   Eymy (Amy)   Ulisses    Jovahny   Xavion    Landy