MY BABY

A long time ago I confessed in the twinkling 2am hours of a sleepover that my deepest darkest secret was that I wanted to grow up to be a soccer mom. I wanted to stay home and raise kids and be their mama. This secret was not met with high praise, but there you have it.

And then I joined the Church and I found that this was acceptable and encouraged! I was so pumped. Other people wanted to stay home and have kids too?

And when I reread Little House on the Prairie books in college, I knew it. Ma Ingalls, I want to be you. I lived my university years in a domestic haze -I could not wait to be a mom.

Husband persuaded me to be his wife -with so much pleading and romantic statements like, "I'm not going to just take you on dates anymore. Either you decide you want to date me for real or I stop calling you." That was a close shave. I nearly lost this one.

We went to a young married ward where everyone was having babies/pregnant/trying. We had never had a concrete date set, yet somehow I got it into my head that after 2 years we would have a baby. Husband never said that, we never talked about it, but I mentally penciled that in.

I don't know when I stopped wanting an actual baby. Or maybe, I don't know when I started to realize what this would actually mean and how much it would cost and how much things were supposed to change when you have a baby.

But my mental sticky note reminder told me that we ought to be pregnant by our two-year anniversary. And come hell or high water or protestations from Husband along the lines of "waiting a bit to be in a better spot financially" I would be pregnant. I rationalized it and bothered Husband about it, and then informed Husband that I would no longer be buying birth control, and immediately we were pregnant. And 9 months seemed like a long time.

I remember crying and telling Husband that I just wanted a baby (7 months pregnant) and feeling that intense maternal pull. And the we got Dinah and I felt  foolish and ridiculous and guilty -my baby hunger was assuaged by a kitten? yep. I no longer felt the "I need a baby" pull.

And then I panicked. It didn't help that my belly resembled Jack Black's (read: I was unattractive), and doctors costs were piling up much higher than I anticipated, and Husband was decidedly not excited, and all I wanted was for him to be happy. But really all I wanted was for him to be happy about the baby so I didn't feel so guilty about making the decision to have one.

And when this beautiful, healthy, sweet baby came, I didn't feel that excitement and I was hoping there'd be a magical change and Husband would somehow be over the moon. I waited to allow myself to be happy to see if he'd be happy. I got skinny as fast as I could (props to me) hoping Husband would suddenly adore her. And I let it bring me down and prevent me from feeling the excitement and adoration of a new sweet babe.

So I decided to choose happiness. I couldn't wait for Husband to stop worrying about the cost of keeping her (channeling Mr. Darling). Comforting words from my sister that not all good dads start out as baby-hungry as my friends' husbands, and not sitting on the couch all day on the internet (going for a walk changed my whole outlook on life) helped me to shift and see how lovely it is to have a baby that absolutely needs you.

Though she blows through an extreme amount of diapers and prefers to sleep in my arms, her soundly sleeping face melts me and I'm reminded how much I actually do want to be a mom -her mom. And it sounds so ungrateful to me to even admit to being bored, because I know so many people who would do anything to stay at home all day bored to tears if they could only have a baby of their own.

I have that baby for my own. She is mine (with help from Husband) and I love her.


And I love her dad. Her dad is the best person I have ever met. Her dad is unfailingly considerate of me. He struggled through 2 hours of Vera screaming and fussing while I was at a baby shower and didn't text me once that he needed me to come home -though it was clearly taxing on him.

Her dad is the best example to me and he will be the best dad  and example to her -even if he thinks the cat is more fun right now. Husband is amazing, and he loves me and will support me, even if that gurgling bundle of a major life decision hurts our finances.

Husband, do you really need to go out of town? We will miss you too much. We might miss you so much that we have to watch Arrested Development without you, just to staunch the flow of "we miss Dad" tears. You understand, right?

Baby Me and Garfield



Baby V and Dinah

Dinah believes, erroneously, that everything that belongs to Vera must, by extension, belong to her as well.