Now that I've been home for almost three weeks and we've fallen into a sort of routine, I am surprised to find that I'm not uncontrollably happy. My baby V is the sweetest and easiest during the day -evenings are free for all "feed me every 20 minutes or I will die!" scream fests. Nights are fine, we seem to only wake up at 2 and at 6 and she latches just fine, eats for 40 minutes and goes right back to sleep.
But being home alone all day is much harder than I anticipated. My house is clean, our laundry is clean, the baby is fed and sleeping, I'm not tired, I have no errands, and I feel so lonely. I miss my husband like it's my job. My whole day points to when he will come home and I can be with him. But he comes home tired and he has things to do, and oh I miss him like I haven't seen him in months. And then the post-pregnancy hormones kick in and I cry for ridiculous reasons -if those particular tears even have reasons, and it is exhausting for me and for Husband. And Vera needs to eat, and Dinah needs to bite and scratch and play, and I am so needy for my husband's attention.
I'm trying to establish a schedule for me so I feel more productive. And I feel guilty when Husband comes home and I just want to cry for no reason other than I love him and miss him. I feel guilty because I want him to love being home with us and crying feels like something that will make him not love being home with us.
I love this little baby creature that is ours and is a real person and will know us completely as mom and dad. I love her and adore her, and I want that for Husband. I want to make us a happy home. Now if only I could stop wanting to cry.
Lana! Congrats on baby Veronica. I love her name, and she is just beautiful!
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to comment because it sounds like you might be dealing with a little bit of post partem depression. I had it bad after I had my first baby, but I didn't know what it was and never dealt with it. It lasted for far too long, and in retrospect I should have gotten help much sooner. Talk to your obgyn about it. They really can help! Also, it always helped me to spend time outside. Things will get better, I promise!!
Oh, and keep posting! I really enjoy your blog.