I love her face. I never figured that staying home to be a mom would be an adjustment, I don't know why it didn't occur to me. And though I've been a stay-at-home mom for fewer than three weeks, it's clear that I need to adjust how I view myself, my roles, my time, my productivity. Let me tell you, it is hard to no longer contribute financially. I received my last paycheck today. A part of me wants to just spend it all on a new wardrobe, but this is the last bit of income I will contribute for who knows how many years!
I spent a lot of today asking myself some hard questions. Question number one: why are you so dramatic sometimes? Others were more about why this is hard for me. I have wanted to be a mother for so long. I have been anxiously looking forward to the day when I can stay home with a baby. I think it's hard for me because there aren't a lot of "doing" verbs associated with what I have been doing all day. I don't know how to quantify my "activities". Yes, I am keeping a baby alive, and yes, that is huge. But I'm moving less, I'm producing less, I'm earning less, I'm doing less.
I drew up a daily chores chart for myself just to maintain that cross-it-off-my-list mentality that has engulfed my life since I started middle school. I've been a cross-it-off-my-list person for 12 years. It's hard to suddenly have no list. I know that things wont stay this way for long, and everyone is telling me to slow down and enjoy it. I have to say that I've slowed down a lot and it's not the best.
What should I do to keep myself feeling useful and satisfied? I'm going to keep reading adult books. I'll just read them aloud. Get ready for some post-WWI disillusionment courtesy of Fitzgerald little Veronica. I'm going to do some sort of work out every day (when I remember). I'm going to get better about scripture study (while nursing), I'm going to go for walks. And these things are good until I can find something to do that fuels me. If I'm inspired and happy, I will easily create the home environment I want for our family.
I think it is too early in the parenting game to be so disconsolate -why so much drama, Lana? I think I'm just very suddenly bored. I'm not used to being so [what I would always consider] lazy. I hate watching TV and being on the internet for extended periods of time. I cannot nap all day. And I don't crave a sedentary life.
So the hunt is on to find something that will keep me growing so I can be a better/more enjoyable wife and mother. In the mean time I will recognize that I'm bored and that it's not the end of the world and certainly nothing to cry about. I will enjoy my baby's face and watch her grow and recognize that I am beyond lucky. I will find more things to be glad about.
Hi there...You don't know me and I have no idea how I ever came across your blog. We both went to BYU and I think had an English class together. Anyway, I hope its ok I comment. I am a new mom too and its really hard. It is wonderful, but it is hard. My baby is now 7 months old. It will take more than three weeks to adjust and please, please let yourself adjust. You do not have to get anything done. You are contributing. Motherhood will keep you growing. You are doing a great job! Its ok to cry. I cried so much, every evening. Anyway, I am sorry you are lonely. I am the only mom-of-one in my ward and its often lonely. Too bad I do not live in Texas or I would call you tomorrow. I hope this isn't crazy that I commented. I just want you to know you aren't alone.
ReplyDeleteHey! My baby is just 11 weeks old and I am still so bored during the day and I think that is ok! They can't do much at this age, and I don't think I am not appreciating motherhood because it's not that exciting! My husband works night shifts 5pm-3am and then sleeps in till 1pm the next day. I go crazy those days. Plus my little guy is super colicky so taking him out in public is very scary. You are not alone. I also make lists for myself. I clean, I started watching all the Grey's anatomy on netflix, i invite friends over, bake, read like you are planning and when my husband gets up I make sure to go out. Even if it is to just grab a frozen yogurt or run to target really quick. This half hour to an hour saves me. I can't wait till the babe can play a little more and not scream every time we go out haha....good luck, your little girl is just so precious.
ReplyDeleteI know exactly what you are talking about in almost every aspect, but ESPECIALLY about being a to-do list person. This blog entry reads almost identically to what I wrote in my journal after Sophia was born. I also read a lot, and did a lot of work on Sophia's baby book (which I'm glad I did while it was all fresh in my mind). I also had to stop doing a daily to do list (which I was so used to having, especially with being in school and teaching - when things go on every day) to having a to do list for like the entire week. But it is really strange for people to understand how UTTERLY unproductive and down on myself I felt if I didn't have my entire to do list done at the end of each day, but having a week-long one helped, especially on days that were hard with a newborn and grocery shopping (or whatever) just didn't happen.
ReplyDeleteBeyond that, I'd say that as she gets older and things get more routine, time to find some new hobbies :D
I just remembered that I used to also take "mommy baby" naps with Sophia once a day where we just fell asleep on the couch. That was my favorite time of day and was over way too quickly and now she doesn't cuddle at all - so I recommend that. :)
You know you can call me anytime you need to. The time difference makes it hard, but I would love to talk with you and coo over baby V. Be patient with yourself, and I love you.
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